20/20

Yesterday, Andrew and I, being the sophisticated individuals we are, were having a very serious debate..... about women. We were discussing the positive and not-so-positive attributes of the women we knew. Most of the time, we came to a general consensus of the overall attractiveness of the girl. However, whenever we reached a girl we have a crush on or had a crush on, our opinions would be drastically different. If we currently liked the girl, the opinion was too positive making the girl seem more desirable than she really was. And if we no longer had a crush on her, the opinion was too negative making her seem lower than the dirt on the underside of our shoes. Somehow, our emotions were affecting our most unbiased decisions of the attractiveness of women. Upon further examination, we diagnosed these conditions, so other people would not fall victim to these severe cases of biasness. The first condition will be known as "lover’s blindness” or "crush glasses".

Those affected by "lover’s blindness" see only the positive attributes of their loved one many times amplified. Simple brown eyes are suddenly captivating pools of crystal which a lover can drown in for hours. The gentle personality of the girl can now only be compared to the disposition of Mother Teresa. Bootylicious is now used to describe an otherwise normal backside. These glasses distort the perception of the lover to make the crush seem like a goddess.

Why do you think the first few weeks of a relationship are the best? “Lover’s blindness”. Because the victim can’t see the faults, he thinks his girlfriend is perfect. They blissfully love each other until one day “lover’s blindness” begins to wear off. The second condition comes into play: “wrinkle awareness” or "crushed glasses".

“Wrinkle awareness” has the exact opposite effect of “lover’s blindness”. The positive attributes are forgotten and negative ones take their place. Like a pristine portrait which upon closer inspection has the tiniest wrinkle running down the middle of it. In fact, the little wrinkle just seems to get grow every day until the picture must be thrown out. Likewise, the captivating eyes of a lover are no longer as important as the huge nose obstructing her face. And the victim doesn’t know how to explain it. The nose never seemed that big before, but now that they are aware of it, it’s huge! The sudden change in awareness causes the victim to exaggerate the now-so-obvious faults.

The only treatment for wrinkle awareness is self awareness. The wearer must realize they are seeing through a lens of negativity, which magnifies the faults of the once pristine goddess. Only by tempering one’s point of view through practice of lover’s blindness and wrinkle awareness can one achieve optimal 20/20 vision again and judge the beauty of women accurately.

(Writer’s note: Yes, Andrew and I are shallow and are only perpetuating sexism. But are we the ones to blame for it? First ask yourself why girls dress like hoes then you may destroy us with a 2x4. But to further plead our case, we are simply artists looking for creatures who exemplify beauty and grace. We cannot be hindered by biasness, so like the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood before us, we are establishing a standard of beauty and can't be stopped by little things like sexism or feminism. Long live beauty/hotness!)