My Life Among the Gorillas

This is your trustworthy anthropologist here. This post has been in my head for a while now, but I just haven't had the will power to just sit down and kick it out. So, here I am, taking up a study room in the library, so I can relate to you my story of living at a school which consists of 80% male to 20% female ratio.

I'm sitting at my room window looking out upon our placid, sometimes scummy lake just taking in the daylight. (Because as you East Coasters know, we don't get much sunlight when winter comes.) As I keep my vigilant watch over the lake, guys start showing up in bathing suits to jump into the lake. They are all meandering about not really sure how to enjoy this idyllic day, but one of them finally decides to take a shot at the rope swing. He gets on the rope, jumps, and..... OWWWWWWW! Whoever designed the rope made it a little too short so the kid ends up getting dragged across the earth until he gets into the foot of water by the shore. Well, guys aren't exactly smart at first. Several others attempt to use the rope swing only to find themselves with similar scrapes and bruises. Then, like 2001: A Space Odyssey, they discover tools or a tool to be specific. (Imagine the theme song right now. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn) That tool would be a table that would give the boys the added elevation they need on the rope swing so they can clear the ground. The boys rejoice. They establish order by creating a line, so everyone can have their turn. All is well until..... the female appears. (Note: I say female, implying ONE girl, and an unattractive one at that. I would probably say, Muffin Top if she was in jeans. Enough about me, back to my observations.)

There's about 12 guys waiting at this rope swing. In unison, they swing to face the lone female. AWKWARD! Anyhow, there's this showdown going on. If I could see the comic book thought bubble of the boys, it would probably go like this. "Holy shit! It's a girl.... a GOD DAMN girl, like I thought they didn't exist here. What do I do? I'll play it cool. Shit, do I look fat in this swimsuit. Shit, shit, shit. I'll just let one of the other guys take charge." Hence, about a 30 second awkward moment of staring between the prey and predators. Finally, the Alpha Male asserts himself and motions for the girl to cut all of them and try out the rope swing. Before she moves to the front, she convinces one of the boys to blow up this ginormous rubber turtle raft. The boy sits down and proceeds to blow.

Now, the female is too scared to jump off of the table, so she starts getting off saying she can't do it. The boys quickly move in to reassure her that it's perfectly safe. She declines again. Do you think the boys let this go? NO! Instead, she grabs the rope when it's on the lower level. The boys then proceed to pull on the rope to lift her higher so she can get enough velocity to clear the ground. Remember, how I said she was kinda fat? Well, the boys were obviously exerting themselves. I could tell this from my second story view. She must have been frickin' heavy. They release her, but she must have a death grip on the rope because she doesn't let go of the rope when she's over the water. She comes flying back and all the boys move in the way to catch her. POW! One of the guys falls and the others stagger at stopping the wrecking ball's momentum. Once they convince her to give it another try, they start to lift her again. Meanwhile, about a quarter of the turtle life-raft is filled up, and Mr. Blower decides to take a breathing break.

Her second attempt is much better and she releases when she's over the water. The boys applaud. Do you think they applauded when Jim did a back flip from the rope swing into the water? Hell, no, because that would be gay, but the girl just let go of the rope when she should have. Now that really deserves applause. They immediately give the girl another shot at swinging again. I'm telling you. The life of a girl is pretty damn sweet because she hasn't cut a line of 12 guys once; she's cutting the line again and the line has grown to 17 guys. The democratic system of the all-male society has been destroyed by a single female. Turtle boy spends about half an hour pumping his carbon dioxide into this huge floatee, gets a mere nod for thanks, and is allowed to take the last spot in line.

Needless, to say, I was laughing hysterically watching the antics going on outside my window. It seriously looked like the nature channel. All I needed was Peter's deep bass voice and commentary, and there you have it, the Discovery Channel. "The young female appoaches the pack. The pack is frightened at her sudden appearence. She quickly assumes the role as pack leader and makes the rest of them her bitches." Yep, that's what you get at an engineering school with 20% females. I just pray to God I don't get the goggles and turn into one of them. Well, this is your anthropologist, Alexander Baker, signing off to go and watch for current social developments.